Saturday, February 20, 2010

I lost my own blog

If there is any proof that I am not computer savvy, the fact that I created my own blog, then lost it, then came back to make a new blog to only find my old one, should be enough.

So much has happened since I posted my one and only blog. We got the amended birth certificate of our son whose adoption was finalized on November 12th after a years long court battle, I have almost completed my first romance novel called "The third sister," I have had my sixteenth wedding anniversary and realized that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are days where I just feel so stuck in a rutt. I love being a mother. I am not the best wife in the world but it isn't because I don't love my husband. I just think that I am an a different species than him and it is difficult for me to figure him out. I also found out I will need surgery sometime in the near future. I need a hysterectomy full or partial yet to be determined. I gave birth to five children, but for me to be without a uterus will make me feel very unfeminine. Yes, I have been told a million times how stupid it is to feel that way by alot of different women. But for me the largest difference between a man and a woman is our ability to bare young. With the vessel that holds the young removed from you how feminine are you really?

I have also fallen in love with a very special young boy available for adoption in Russia. He has a genetic birth defect that makes him look very unusual but his eyes just burn right through me when I look at him. I would love to bring him home, but my husband and his military career make it difficult to do that to say the least. There are so many gorgeous "normal" looking kids available for adoption who is going to want a small little boy whose eyes bulge and has a funny looking head? I have images of this little man quietly dying with not a soul to notice or care...all because of how he looks. I asked my husband, "If a Russian orphan dies in an orphanage and no one notices, does it make a noise in the world?" Kind of a take on the "if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it does it make a noise?" I believe if the world looses this very special baby boy it most certainly will make noise. It would be the silent noise of a breaking own.

I have tons more to say, but am hoping I can find my way back to this blog later to add to it.



  1. Soul Sistah!!! I did the EXACT same thing when I started my blog! Lucky for me, my very blog-savvy friend (who helped me set up the blog in the first place) rectified the situation without laughing at me...very much....

  2. Oh Carla,
    This broke my heart. I never thought of it that way. How sad! I will keep praying for you! And...I am so glad you have found your blog!!:)

  3. Thank you Amy...I just think of Owen alone and not sad. How could he be sad when he doesn't know what it is he doesn't have? For me that is even MORE sad... Please pray for Owen....And thanks for taking the time to read my blog..hopefully they wont' always be so solemn...